It has been too long since I have written a post.  Often I have been posting short updates on my Facebook page. I’ve learned not everyone wants to click through to read a blog post.  I know I don’t always want to.  In our busy lives, we like the scroll feature, stopping for moments when necessary.  But some posts require more than what I can encapsulate in a short paragraph on Facebook.  And one thing I’ve wanted to do here is to record this journey–ups and downs.  I’m hoping it will be a great place to look back to if I ever become a published writer.  The doubts.  The lack of self-confidence.  The giving it to God.  That one’s a daily. And maybe someday I’ll wonder why I doubted, or why I didn’t feel like I could do this, or why I ever wondered whether this is what God wants me to do.  Because there are times I worry this is a selfish ambition and goal.  And sometimes I think it is.  But other times He reminds me that these words He gives us can be more powerful and influential than anything.  When preachers say they have to preach because it is what God has called them to do, I completely understand that urging.  I feel it about writing.  At times, when I’m not writing, it is like a burning message inside that wants to get out.  But with writing, unlike many other creative mediums, the process takes a lot longer.  Sometimes I wish I could be gifted in an art form that is more immediate, where the results are obvious within a few days or weeks.  Writing takes so long.  And it requires months (sometimes years) of perfecting.

So what I wanted to really talk about was these emotional cycles I go through.  I’m writing really well, and everything is clicking, and God does some really wonderful things on the page that would have only happened because of Him.  Then there are the times when doubt creeps in.  And the past weeks there have been a lot of those.  Since January, I have been cranking along on the book in a really consistent way.  I only have a quarter of the book left to finish rewriting scenes for, and maybe adding new ones.  Then it is back to the beginning for more edits.  I’ve been feeling confident that I’ll be able to start at the beginning again in April.  Only my beginning has been the whole problem.  I get such mixed reviews on my first chapter that I really don’t know what to do about it.  And it has kind of paralyzed me the past few weeks.  For two weeks, I haven’t written anything.  I don’t know why.  Emotionally, I’ve been in a funk.  I wonder sometimes what I’m trying to accomplish with all this.  I wonder if there is even a possibility for this book to be published.  One of the recommendations for any writer is to read in the genre you write in.  But there are so few YA historicals (in the Christian market anyway) that it is difficult to do that.  I scoop up every one I hear about.  I’ve also joined the American Christian Fiction Writer’s organization and was able to go to a local chapter meeting.  When I told the other members what I write, they were all very encouraging as they also know that YA historicals are hard to find and that’s a niche to fill.  And I know it is all in God’s Hands.  If He wants it to happen, He will make a way.  I know that.  I remind myself of that every day when I pray.  I want to honor God in all this.  I don’t want the glory, and that is something I struggle with too.  Do I want people to love the book?  Yes, of course.  But I want people to love it because it is my hope it will teach them something about God or the Christian life.  If it allows me to connect with people who are lost or need encouragement, and it is a way of broadening my Jerusalem, then that is something I welcome.  If someone is delighted by what God used me to write, then yes, that is the whole purpose, and I pray that any glory directed at me will be directed to Him.

So I guess, what I wonder most, is can God get any glory if I don’t write the message well?  If the book is mediocre and I gave it a good try, is it something God can use?  Do I use this book as a stepping stone for the next?  That is another thing I hear writer’s say often.  They have many projects left untouched in desk drawers and file cabinets that weren’t ready.  One book I read recently, the author said it took her 25 years to finish it.  25 years!  She said that when she first started writing it, she didn’t have the skills to complete her vision.  It wasn’t until she had several books under her belt that she felt she could go back and complete it.  I have at least three other books in my head, jockeying for attention.  At times, I wonder if it would be best to set this one aside for a while and work on one of those. Put it in a drawer.  Maybe in several years, I can return to this one, and what I envision for the story will be realized.  Maybe God wants me to wait.  I haven’t determined if this is what I should do yet.  And I know several of you who have read the beginning of the story are anxious to read more.  I appreciate that.  And when I say I appreciate it, I mean it thrills my heart that some of you are that confident in me.  And I pray you continue to be.  Because I store up all the sweet comments and remarks, and when I’m feeling so doubtful that I’m sure I can not write another word, I read those glowing compliments.  I read them, not to puff myself up, but to remind myself that maybe I’m not as poor a writer as I sometimes believe.  That maybe something I have to say, God can still use.  And that maybe God can still bless my feeble words to reach a heart.  Because that is the goal.  Not book contracts.  Not bestsellers. Not 100+ followers on social media.  But hearts.  The hearts that God puts in my life and path.  And hearts that need to hear something about Him.

I’m not sure if writing all of this will help me to find my way out of the blue mist shrouding me. Pouring out my thoughts and feelings has always been therapeutic for me.  But I do know, that once I’m back on the writing path, I’ll probably be back here again a time or two down the road, and will need to reread this to remind myself why I really do this.  And if God continues to put burning messages in my heart, then I need to depend on Him to help me focus on His purposes for my writing life.